I don't speak dog

For as long as I remember, I have always wanted to learn to speak a second language. Mostly for the fun of it. The ability to just start talking in a different language among a group of people all speaking English is quite amusing. But that would mean I would have to know someone who spoke the same language in order to hold this conversation.
Yeah, it can be annoying and slightly embarrassing for all parties involved to walk into a restaurant, store or just down the street and people are talking in a different language in your home town. But the more I think about it, the more I really want to learn. Maybe just so I can listen in on conversations and then when they are finished talking, make a rude comment about how I can understand everything they are saying. Going on the fact they were talking shit about someone or even myself. And that's the biggest thing I hate, getting all paranoid that these people are talking about me for some reason. Then they will start going in and out of different languages messing everything up so you couldn't even follow the conversation if you tried.
But...at least they are speaking. Dogs don't talk, besides the annoying bark. Bark bark shut the fuck up bark. And the whining for no apparent reason at all. Then they look at you with their stupid bug eyes like you are supposed to understand them. No, no I have no idea what you want. Water? No. Food? No. Outside? No. Bed time? What the fuck? I don't know. I'm never owning my own animal nor will I have children. I do not have the patience for either-though they are pretty much the same. But I can admit that; and I'm good with knowing that.
I guess it would be cool if I did speak dog, then I could actually do something worth while with my life. Unfortunately it would require me to be around the dog though. I have come to realize that keeping animals in captivity (which is pretty much what pets are on a 'nicer' level)is not all it's cracked up to be. They are animals therefore they go outside. Why in God's name would you want to sleep in your nice clean bed with an animal that just shat in the grass in the back yard. The only 'wipe' he used was the same tongue that is now licking your freshly cleaned face. I don't get it. But then again, I have been told I have no heart. Maybe I should go to Oz and get myself one so I can go to the overcrowded pet store and pay an obscene amount of money for a cross-breed pa-doodle or whatever they are to take home and call my own. Yeah, so I can pull my hair out and my new carpeting because it now smells like pa-doodle puppy piss and all my new shoes are worthless. I guess it's my own fault, who would buy 6 pairs of brand new designer pumps knowing a puppy is in the house? I don't wear pumps, nor have I bought a new pair of shoes (besides running shoes) in a long, long time. But I also am not about to get myself a pa-doodle either.
Chew on that, Lassie (who by the way was a male dog, though portrayed as a female-Hollywood...)

Ciao!