Oh boy was I some kind of mess in November and had I completely just did a 180 from that post. The "man" that started that post actually weasled, yes WEASLED, himself back into my life and I unfortunately have to admit that I found myself have very strong feelings for him. This also meant that I completely changed my way of life. I not only didn't lose those 7lbs but I gained them...and some. I finally landed a job, not a career, but a job, yet thought that in order to maintain a "working relationship" I had to put myself at high risk including lack of sleep, high alcohol consumption and the ultimate, if not slightly selfish: broken heartedness.
I was blind. Blind and stupid. I knew him to a tee...but for some reason I was yet again blinded by his weird ability to woo a woman. I have no idea how he does it, for real, no idea, but he can do it. And I was obviously at a weak point (I really was, I was rejected in not so many words by another man, I had broke up with the guy we are talking about and I, hate to say it, was needing affection.) So, one thing lead to another and I was back in his arms and I didn't want to leave.
Well, he did not change (did I expect him to?) but the thing was, I think I did. I was more open which allowed me to see or "feel" certain things. So I knew he was in one way or another cheating...and I'm sorry guys, but if you are sleeping with a woman you should NOT be sleeping with another one...and then keep both the women a secret from eachother. Because obviously you know there is a problem and it's not right. Even if you are not "official" if you are not telling the other partner you obviously have stronger feelings and/or you just freaking know it's not right. GOD DAMN ME. Do I blame him? Hell yes, he did it. But I blame myself for knowingly allowing myself to be involved in a relationship that would somehow turn out this way. I think the only saving grace for myself was the fact I found out, in the end, that I was right. It helped me get over him so much faster...the situation in itself, obviously I am not over...but the guy I am totally over.
But I'll digress.
So, my last post from Novemeber...Seriously, who are we kidding. I have unfortunately just surrounded myself with the wrong kind of guy. I need a guy that see's me, hears me, wants me (and that part is last.). I want a guy that can go out with me in public and not realize we are in a public setting because all he sees/hears is me. Of course this is selfish and this will never happen. And I would never really, really want a guy to forget about everything but me. But at least attempt to. Talk to whoever you want, be with whoever you wish, but in the end, know and realize and WANT to be with me. I know it's early...but I think I may have found it. If I didn't, so be it, whatever. But right now, I have never appreciated someone for appreciating me so much before. I have always been the one to do all the work and feel all the pain; but this time I already feel different about it. And I like finally being able to be in control.
So thank you. Thank you fate, thank you God, thank you who/what ever. I can not be happier if only because I know that I am not jaded and there is more out there than a few bad apples. It just takes time and the willingness to let go. And that's the main thing: to let go :)
Monday, March 12, 2012
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Done and done
That is right, single and sexy forever. I will write a short story but at a later time.
I don't need a man and it's true-whenever I was 'with' a man it made me less of the woman I know I am. I do like the feeling of being wanted, but sometimes the pressure and confusion that goes along with it is too overwhelming for my small mindedness to handle.
I haven't lost the full 7lbs but I am working on it. I lost 4lbs in 27 days and am gaining great muscle mass. I have realized that if I'm not going to be able to find a job right now, I'm going to do something to better my life. If that means looking as sexy as possible, then by golly I will do it. This does come with its reprocussions-one major-the guy following. If I wasn't so nice I wouldn't have a problem, but coming from a background of low self-esteem is a major pressure point when all of a sudden you have more attention than you can handle.
Yes, I still lapse into "I remember when..."; "I just want to be held..."; "Sometimes you just want to kiss someone special..." but then I have to smack myself and say: "listen, you are a strong, independent woman and no one can keep up with you just leave it as is and live your life and enjoy it to its fullest." Yes, I will. There will be many a man who will try to keep up and I may allow them for awhile; but in the long run I will never settle and I will never lose and I will never be lonely because of it.
So stop your bitching and enjoy your life. No more crazy thoughts, just enjoy what you do have and make room for what's to come.
I don't need a man and it's true-whenever I was 'with' a man it made me less of the woman I know I am. I do like the feeling of being wanted, but sometimes the pressure and confusion that goes along with it is too overwhelming for my small mindedness to handle.
I haven't lost the full 7lbs but I am working on it. I lost 4lbs in 27 days and am gaining great muscle mass. I have realized that if I'm not going to be able to find a job right now, I'm going to do something to better my life. If that means looking as sexy as possible, then by golly I will do it. This does come with its reprocussions-one major-the guy following. If I wasn't so nice I wouldn't have a problem, but coming from a background of low self-esteem is a major pressure point when all of a sudden you have more attention than you can handle.
Yes, I still lapse into "I remember when..."; "I just want to be held..."; "Sometimes you just want to kiss someone special..." but then I have to smack myself and say: "listen, you are a strong, independent woman and no one can keep up with you just leave it as is and live your life and enjoy it to its fullest." Yes, I will. There will be many a man who will try to keep up and I may allow them for awhile; but in the long run I will never settle and I will never lose and I will never be lonely because of it.
So stop your bitching and enjoy your life. No more crazy thoughts, just enjoy what you do have and make room for what's to come.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
30?!
So, the full marathon has been ran. Training was a bitch, I never lost those 7lbs, I have gone through another boyfriend and had dated someone for a brief moment all within one summer.
And the funny thing is; I never had a worse year. You would think that running a full marathon would be something great, something that you can never get back. Well, that's true, but I ran it on my 30th birthday. A milestone in itself, I will never forget that day. Everything leading up to that time was bad news. Do I regret choices I had made along the way? To tell you the truth, how can you regret something when you obviously enjoyed it at the time? Granted in retropect some things could have been done differently. Yeah, one major 3 month stint could have been avoided. But, what are you going to do?
So, here's what I have now: besides two smelly armpits and a sad realization I did nothing with my day; I have the ability to focus on losing those 7 stubborn pounds (7lbs that everyone thinks I'm crazy for trying to lose, but they aren't me). I have the ability to focus on running the fastest 10K I can along with a 2 hour half marathon. Not only that but I need to focus on finding a career. None of that, and I state fully, none of that will involve a man in my life. I don't need a man and to tell you the truth whenever I had one it made me less than the woman I was before I had a man. So single and sexy yet again...I am completely 100% happy with that.
And the funny thing is; I never had a worse year. You would think that running a full marathon would be something great, something that you can never get back. Well, that's true, but I ran it on my 30th birthday. A milestone in itself, I will never forget that day. Everything leading up to that time was bad news. Do I regret choices I had made along the way? To tell you the truth, how can you regret something when you obviously enjoyed it at the time? Granted in retropect some things could have been done differently. Yeah, one major 3 month stint could have been avoided. But, what are you going to do?
So, here's what I have now: besides two smelly armpits and a sad realization I did nothing with my day; I have the ability to focus on losing those 7 stubborn pounds (7lbs that everyone thinks I'm crazy for trying to lose, but they aren't me). I have the ability to focus on running the fastest 10K I can along with a 2 hour half marathon. Not only that but I need to focus on finding a career. None of that, and I state fully, none of that will involve a man in my life. I don't need a man and to tell you the truth whenever I had one it made me less than the woman I was before I had a man. So single and sexy yet again...I am completely 100% happy with that.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Really?!
Yes really, son of a bitch. I only had one beer-in the form of a pitcher and 4 shots afterwards. Damnit. Well, this wagon definitely has a flat tire or something because I keep falling off the mother fucker. At least I'm waiting two days between stints. Tomorrow is not going to be easy-free beer after a 10 mile race and then I already made plans to see a free concert at a bar. Nice. Guess I'll be drunk yet again. There goes my plans to lose 7lbs. before my next half marathon in May.
So my friend told me she is going to run the full marathon with me in September. We sat down and looked at the schedule. We need to start our 20 week training schedule one week before our half in May. Holy crap, it gets closer and closer every time I think about it. I'm not ready for this! No, yes I am! I am so ready! It's nothing more than just upping the mileage, that's all. Yeah, and not eating crap at 3am in the form of chocolate, eggs and whatever the heck else I was piling into my face because I drank a pitcher of beer, two lemon drops, an Irish Car Bomb (that some guy bought for me ;) and a grape bomb. I'm not 21 any more but I sure was drinking like I was last night.
TO top it off, who drove home? FUCK ME!
Well, hydration and healthy eating today for my fuck up of a 10 miler tomorrow. No, go in positively and you will be fine. I'm going to get 1:30; I'm going to cross the finish line feeling great as I look at the time and it reads 1:30. 1:30; 1:30; 1:30!!! I'll be happy with 1:35...NO!!!!!
So my friend told me she is going to run the full marathon with me in September. We sat down and looked at the schedule. We need to start our 20 week training schedule one week before our half in May. Holy crap, it gets closer and closer every time I think about it. I'm not ready for this! No, yes I am! I am so ready! It's nothing more than just upping the mileage, that's all. Yeah, and not eating crap at 3am in the form of chocolate, eggs and whatever the heck else I was piling into my face because I drank a pitcher of beer, two lemon drops, an Irish Car Bomb (that some guy bought for me ;) and a grape bomb. I'm not 21 any more but I sure was drinking like I was last night.
TO top it off, who drove home? FUCK ME!
Well, hydration and healthy eating today for my fuck up of a 10 miler tomorrow. No, go in positively and you will be fine. I'm going to get 1:30; I'm going to cross the finish line feeling great as I look at the time and it reads 1:30. 1:30; 1:30; 1:30!!! I'll be happy with 1:35...NO!!!!!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
abstinence
It is so easy to be abstinent from something if you have never had the pleasure of it before. Alcohol, sex, drugs, junk food or whatever it may be. Once you have had the taste of it is when you have the trouble of letting go.
For a long time I have tried to be abstinent from alcohol. I would go for awhile and then the better part of me (well, the better part in my minds eye at the time alcohol is involved) would take over and the cool, refreshing liquid would pour down my throat and go into my belly creating yet another struggle-the ever increasing waist size. I can't blame all my problems on alcohol-though most of them stem from it. Why does my brain like the feeling so much? I can't have just one and that's what makes it even harder. Oh I love beer.
I went out this afternoon to meet up with a friend for lunch since she had some free time (and all I seem to have now is free time). We then went to Burlington Coat Factory just to kill time. I miss those days when you just went around doing nothing yet had a good time doing it. I found out that I actually look good in those oversized straw beach hats. I almost bought one, then realized what a waste of money it would be here in Ohio. OHIO...Cleveland, the waste land of happiness. UGH! At least the sun is out today...and where am I?
I need to start living life to the fullest, take every compliment and good look as they are. Grasp hold of the good things and let the bad things roll off the back. I mean, I always have been that way, but lately it's been hard to keep up with it. Guess I will just have to work harder at it now. What a struggle. Well, if it was a struggle it wouldn't be real.
I can't wait until my full marathon training starts. I'm so scared yet excited. Running more mileage just to see what I can accomplish. I know I can do it; look how far I have already come! No abstinence when it comes to running; but maybe the alcohol part should be pushed forward more.
Well, cheers! HA
For a long time I have tried to be abstinent from alcohol. I would go for awhile and then the better part of me (well, the better part in my minds eye at the time alcohol is involved) would take over and the cool, refreshing liquid would pour down my throat and go into my belly creating yet another struggle-the ever increasing waist size. I can't blame all my problems on alcohol-though most of them stem from it. Why does my brain like the feeling so much? I can't have just one and that's what makes it even harder. Oh I love beer.
I went out this afternoon to meet up with a friend for lunch since she had some free time (and all I seem to have now is free time). We then went to Burlington Coat Factory just to kill time. I miss those days when you just went around doing nothing yet had a good time doing it. I found out that I actually look good in those oversized straw beach hats. I almost bought one, then realized what a waste of money it would be here in Ohio. OHIO...Cleveland, the waste land of happiness. UGH! At least the sun is out today...and where am I?
I need to start living life to the fullest, take every compliment and good look as they are. Grasp hold of the good things and let the bad things roll off the back. I mean, I always have been that way, but lately it's been hard to keep up with it. Guess I will just have to work harder at it now. What a struggle. Well, if it was a struggle it wouldn't be real.
I can't wait until my full marathon training starts. I'm so scared yet excited. Running more mileage just to see what I can accomplish. I know I can do it; look how far I have already come! No abstinence when it comes to running; but maybe the alcohol part should be pushed forward more.
Well, cheers! HA
Friday, April 8, 2011
The Greatest Thing...
I love the movie Moulin Rouge. I don't know why as it is a sappy, pretension love story that would never happen in reality, but I do love it. I think I like it more for the music and the coreography than anything else. If you really think about it, can someone really, truly fall in love with someone immediately? I think not, but who am I but a pesimist when it comes to such things? I'm pretty opitimistic in life as a general rule, but not when it comes to playing with ones emotions. Boy does that back fire when you actually have such emotions. We all fall in love and get hurt and eventually get over our love, but it's that inbetween the getting hurt and getting over it that is the worst. The rejection that you ultimately feel because you obviously felt something that the other person did not.
Maybe the greatest thing is to just have that love, lose that love and try to find it somewhere else knowing what it will feel like if rejection happens again.
In a few hours I will be heading for North Carolina to race yet another half marathon. I'm excited and scared at the same time. For the most part I go into races with a strong mind and body, but unfortunately the past few days I have not been strong on either aspect. I have been fighting off the emotions that will ruin my run but fighting them seems to make them stronger, therefore I have succomed to them which makes it worse. I am the opposite of many when it comes to emotional eating; I don't eat. My carb loading that should have started Wednesday night has quickly diminished into barely scraps from the counter as I slowly walk through my life that seemingly is shitting all around me. I can't blame anyone; I'm not mad at anyone. It's just an unfortunate turn of events that bad things have happened almost on a weekly basis for me this past month. I know I have to suck it up and keep going, but I always do that. Maybe I should just let it out for once in my life but I hate the feeliing of depression on outcasting myself just so I don't upset others due to my upsets. And now I will be on a beach in a beautiful house for a week with my friends feeling like crap. I know they will all be there for me, but right now it is just so hard.
Maybe the greatest thing is to just have that love, lose that love and try to find it somewhere else knowing what it will feel like if rejection happens again.
In a few hours I will be heading for North Carolina to race yet another half marathon. I'm excited and scared at the same time. For the most part I go into races with a strong mind and body, but unfortunately the past few days I have not been strong on either aspect. I have been fighting off the emotions that will ruin my run but fighting them seems to make them stronger, therefore I have succomed to them which makes it worse. I am the opposite of many when it comes to emotional eating; I don't eat. My carb loading that should have started Wednesday night has quickly diminished into barely scraps from the counter as I slowly walk through my life that seemingly is shitting all around me. I can't blame anyone; I'm not mad at anyone. It's just an unfortunate turn of events that bad things have happened almost on a weekly basis for me this past month. I know I have to suck it up and keep going, but I always do that. Maybe I should just let it out for once in my life but I hate the feeliing of depression on outcasting myself just so I don't upset others due to my upsets. And now I will be on a beach in a beautiful house for a week with my friends feeling like crap. I know they will all be there for me, but right now it is just so hard.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Can I get one out???
I had all intentions of forming a somewhat cohesive blog entry today. I even thought I would have a beer or two to start the ease into forming words onto the computer screen. For some reason I find it difficult. Because I find myself in a funk. I have been thinking about one thing lately and it is driving me crazy.
Anyway, I have decided to run 3 half marathons within 3 months. I ran the first one a few weeks ago and the second one is coming up rather quickly. This Friday I am going to attempt 14 miles on my own. Oh goodness...I have not ran that many miles by myself before. This could be an interesting feat. I am going to reward myself with something afterwards on if I run it the entire way and only stop at mile 6 and possibly again at mile 11 for a quick pick up treat. I guess I will run it at the park either from Brecksville to Pennisula and back or vice versa. Oh goodness I'm slightly excited yet apprehensive as I have not done this before. If I can do the 14 with no problems I am set...all set!! Ok, just think positive thoughts. Right now that's all I have going for me. I am seriously sick of negative thoughts and I just want to know if I'm loved or not. HAHAHA Yeah, that was out of left field. But it is true.I would have found out today if my dumbass wasn't so dumb. I don't like the feeling of rejection and I have come to the conclusion I like the quiet-if it's being left alone or just sitting quietly with someone; I enjoy that more than being surrounded with people talking, talking talking all the time.
I'm just going to post this as obviously nothing else is going to come from these finger connected to this brain tonight. Damn Dorito's, I wouldn't mind if I didn't eat a complete chocolate bar by myself plus a piece of pizza and a biscuit made for strawberry shortcake. At least I didn't use the cool whip; but the two beers made up for that. FUCK!!!
Anyway, I have decided to run 3 half marathons within 3 months. I ran the first one a few weeks ago and the second one is coming up rather quickly. This Friday I am going to attempt 14 miles on my own. Oh goodness...I have not ran that many miles by myself before. This could be an interesting feat. I am going to reward myself with something afterwards on if I run it the entire way and only stop at mile 6 and possibly again at mile 11 for a quick pick up treat. I guess I will run it at the park either from Brecksville to Pennisula and back or vice versa. Oh goodness I'm slightly excited yet apprehensive as I have not done this before. If I can do the 14 with no problems I am set...all set!! Ok, just think positive thoughts. Right now that's all I have going for me. I am seriously sick of negative thoughts and I just want to know if I'm loved or not. HAHAHA Yeah, that was out of left field. But it is true.I would have found out today if my dumbass wasn't so dumb. I don't like the feeling of rejection and I have come to the conclusion I like the quiet-if it's being left alone or just sitting quietly with someone; I enjoy that more than being surrounded with people talking, talking talking all the time.
I'm just going to post this as obviously nothing else is going to come from these finger connected to this brain tonight. Damn Dorito's, I wouldn't mind if I didn't eat a complete chocolate bar by myself plus a piece of pizza and a biscuit made for strawberry shortcake. At least I didn't use the cool whip; but the two beers made up for that. FUCK!!!
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