The Fat Gay (shout out!) revisited

The Fat Gay has posted a blog the other day that required me, well, didn't require me, but I took it upon myself to take it as a requirement and finish off where he started.
The post was to imagine yourself on a yacht in the middle of the ocean during the most perfect day with no one else but the person you hate most in life. Now, what would you say or do to this person?

First of all, it would be hard to imagine myself in this situation for numerous reasons.
1) I don't like boats unless they are the very large type that are more like floating cities than actual boats.
2) I don't like boats, therefore, I don't foresee how I would be on one by myself save for the one person I hate in life.
3) I don't like the middle of the ocean. The shore is fine; a docked boat, maybe. But the middle of the ocean? Can't foresee how I would not have tried to wiggle out of that one.
4) I don't really hate anyone that much-though I could get to hate someone if put in that situation.

OK-Let's just say, for argument purposes, a group of people, including my most hated enemy were invited on a yacht on the dock of, let's say somewhere in Florida. I was taking a holiday by myself-much needed, frankly. I picked Florida because it's a place I wouldn't normally go-hot, party central. Yeah, I wasn't having much fun until I heard about this yacht party over at pier 49. Actually, a new local band was hosting it in honor of their CD release. I happened to walk into this small tea store right outside of Bayside Market and they were giving away tickets to customers who purchased the CD. They had the music playing on the overhead speakers at the time. I was really intrigued by their sound. Knowing I had nothing to do that night anyway, I picked up the $10 CD and got my free ticket. I didn't have to use it, and anyway, the music would go well on my new running track.
As the day progressed, and I meandered around the Bayside area, my mind wandered more and ore to the yacht party and the "hot new band" hosting. I remembered I brought my new blue, as opposed to my everyday black, halter dress and silver heels. What a perfect outfit for the night. I started getting excited, so I hurried back t the house I was renting to start getting ready. I could always get ready and go somewhere else, I thought.
With my hair clipped back, as I knew the wind would be horrendous, and my dress just right, I called a taxi cab to take me to Pier 49. Ticket in one hand , clutch in the other, I saw about 4 or 5 other women all surpassing me on the 'hot' scale. Perfectly tanned and toned body's, yet you could see the plastic oozing out of their pores. The men were just as fake with their highlighted hair, polo shirts and leather sandals. I took a deep breath and got out of the cab, no turning back now! I'm on vacation, why not do something a bit on the wild side?
I walked up to the boat and tried to smile at the other people on my way up, though each one seemed to send daggers through me with their emotionless, icy smiles.
I ignored the stares and glares and walked up to the yacht. A man in a tuxedo smiled an politely asked for my ticket. I handed him the ticket I received at the tea store and was escorted by a very handsome young man to the front of the boat. He led me to a seating area unlike anything I would imagine on a boat. I felt as if I was in a millionaire's home and they just opened up the roof to allow the sun and warm summer breeze drift through the house. As I sat on the plush built-in seat at the edge of the boat, I turned my head back towards the ramp where the tuxeded man stood guard. I noticed that some of the icy smiling bitches with dogs on their arms were politely turned away as it would seem they did not possess tickets. As I sat their watching as one after another tall, tan, plastic, fake Floridian's were turned away from the yacht, I was served flutes of Champagne and silver trays of fresh fruit. The servers were all pleasant and polite to talk to. Then I realized that the servers were not servers, but the band that was hosting the party to begin with. Feeling quite foolish, I fumbled with my words and almost dropped my glass on the yacht floor. One of the members calmly smiled and told me there was no need to feel embarrassed, for they intentionally acted that way to make sure the 'right' people were at their party. Then I heard one of them moan, "She ended up showing up." He said. "Who?" I asked not really thinking. "My aunt. I told her about this party, but I never thought she would come. She's old and not very nice, but she's my aunt and I knew she was going to be in town."
I turned my head and noticed a rather large, older woman attempting to scale the ramp without overturning the boat in the process. Red faced and sweaty, I noticed a resemblance to this woman and my old boss. Then, as she looked up and started towards us, I realized, with shock and a real feeling of fear, it WAS my old boss. The woman who drove me to the brink of insanity, the woman who made my work days a living Hell, the woman who was like a cockroach in the way she would never die, no matter what evil she spread or what happened to her. She would live on the Earth forever spreading her disease called hatred and despair for all to enjoy. A dark cloud of doom seems to always follow her in her wake. All smiles crumble to tears as she passes. One look from her eyes makes even an atheist believe the Devil exists and walks the Earth.
I quickly tried to compose myself so she wouldn't see the fear on my face and then feed off of it. Damn, I knew I should have just went to a nice dinner and called it a night, maybe take a midnight swim in the swimming pool. Now I had to sit on this stupid boat with these hot, young band members and...and HER. What the Hell? Is my life that horrible? Or maybe it's just that great that I have to be put back in my place? What are the odds that we both would be on vacation at the same time at the same place and end up at the same party? What are the odds? God hates me.
So the bitch finally makes it to the front of the boat, you could already feel the tension run through all the band members. She put on one of her fake ass smiles and went in to hug her, who I now knew was her nephew. The uncomfortableness in the hug could be felt by the underwater creatures 20,000 leagues under the sea.
She turned and looked at me with a surprised look on her face. "Yeah, it's me, remember me? I'm doing well, thank you, thought I'd take a break and do a little traveling by myself before I had to spend the rest of my life behind a desk again."
"How nice." Yeah, well, it was.
Unbenowest to me, the tuxedoed man at the ramp had unroped the boat and it was slowly drifting out to sea. When I glanced passed my old boss to take a deep breath to calm myself, I noticed the shore line getting farther and farther away.
"Wait, wait! Why are we moving?" I exclaimed to one of the band members. "Oh, we are just going a bit out to sea to have a real boat party. Don't worry, we'll anchor a few miles out." Then I also realized the only people on the boat were the band members, myself and my old boss. Some party, I thought. I was feeling more and more uncomfortable and all I wanted to do was get off the boat, but there was no way that was happening now. For the next hour or so, I just listened to her talk about all her annoyances in life-for the millionth time. It's like her life stopped after 40 and the only things she knew to talk about was a brief time period between 35 and 40. No matter who you were or where you were, you heard the same, sad stories over and over again. She told them so many times, they seemed almost rehearsed. Every word was exactly the same from the last time you heard it. What is wrong with this woman, besides the fact I swear she is clinically insane. Take some medication and leave my life alone already!
During this entire time, the boat was still drifting out to sea and I could see the band members moving about the yacht in a way that did not seem appropriate for a nice, summer time party. Finally I caught one of the guys attention and asked what was going on. The anchor broke off awhile back and we were continuously drifting further and further out. None of them really knew how to control the boat and all the technology and gadgets were beyond my comprehension. Of course, my old boss took that moment to go off on one of her rants about technology, in her old nitty bitty way. Oh my god! Just shut up already! Don't you see the big picture right now? There was a little dingy attached to the yacht and one band member said he would jump ship and row to shore-where ever that was now, to get help. Thinking it not safe for him to go by himself, I was about to request that I should tag along (I'd take a small dingy in the middle of the ocean over a huge yacht with my old boss any day). But, before I could open my mouth, the other band members already jumped in the boat, not leaving anymore room. "Stay here", they said, "we'll be back as soon as we can." "What? You are all going to leave us just floating out here?" "Try to get the radio to work and see if you can put out a mayday." Sure, right, I'll get right on that.
After a half hour of literally sitting on our hands, I finally got up and decided to play around with some of the dials on the boat. "You really shouldn't play with that, you don't know what you're doing." "Yeah, I know, but it beats sitting around while we are drifting further and further out to sea. Don't you notice the waves are getting bigger and stronger? That means we are not so close to home anymore. That little dingy isn't going to make it and those guys are going to have a heck of a time swimming back to land, especially considering they don't even know what direction land is."
I could see the annoyance taking over her mind and body, it was just something you grew accustomed to noticing after working under her for so many years. I tried to keep my calm and busy myself with whatever contraptions were in the cabin and forget she was there. Then, of course, she came into the cabin. The over powering girth of her body made it near impossible to breath without touching her in some way. What the hell? Does she like to be bumped and knocked around? I have a personal space issue, it's called I like it-so get out of mine. If you are close enough that I can smell what you had for lunch, you are too close-back the fat ass up. I close my eyes, no, I'm not going to give in and let her win, that's what she wants, that's what she always wants.
With buzzers and bells going off from all the buttons and levers I'm pushing, I finally give up. Nothing was working, whoever created this system was on crack, and I didn't see any around to start smoking to be able to figure it out myself.
I sat back down, debating if I should just drink the rest of the Champagne and fall into a drunken slumber, or if I should try to listen to another story about my old boss's mother and how she loved to make jelly. Then, as she started talking and picking her nose at the same time, I realized...we are in the middle of the ocean, for real. No one is around, at all. I have always contemplating what it would be like to just kill this woman. Just kill her dead. She would no longer spew her evilness onto anyone ever again. Ever again. I would be doing myself a justice. I would be doing the entire world a justice!
She was standing. She was standing at the edge of the boat right infront of me. "Would you like some Champagne?" I asked, my hand was shaking as I lifted the bottle. Don't move, I thought. I started pouring the Champagne into two flutes, and surprisingly, as if it was a sign, the bottle was empty. I gave a slight laugh as I held up the bottle. "Empty already?" she asked. I could feel the sardonic smile spread across my face as I lifted the bottle higher and higher. I just did it, I didn't think about it, I just swung my arm down as quickly as possible and smashed the bottle over her head. The bottle didn't break, it wasn't cheap Champagne, so it wasn't cheap glass. But it did the trick. She teetered for a moment, a blank stare in her eye. She hit the side of the boat, and before she had a chance to fall back into the boat I shoved as hard as I could until her large body swung over the built-in seating and into the blue, oh so clear and blue, water below. She never knew what hit her. The bubbles floated to the surface of the water and the yacht continued to drift off into the ocean. She never knew what hit her. And she never will.
I started laughing, holding myself in a hug. I eyed another bottle of Champagne and started pouring myself a glass. I lifted the glass into the air "To new beginnings!" I exclaimed to the open air.
Just then the radio started buzzing...