...done and done...???

Oh boy was I some kind of mess in November and had I completely just did a 180 from that post. The "man" that started that post actually weasled, yes WEASLED, himself back into my life and I unfortunately have to admit that I found myself have very strong feelings for him. This also meant that I completely changed my way of life. I not only didn't lose those 7lbs but I gained them...and some. I finally landed a job, not a career, but a job, yet thought that in order to maintain a "working relationship" I had to put myself at high risk including lack of sleep, high alcohol consumption and the ultimate, if not slightly selfish: broken heartedness.
I was blind. Blind and stupid. I knew him to a tee...but for some reason I was yet again blinded by his weird ability to woo a woman. I have no idea how he does it, for real, no idea, but he can do it. And I was obviously at a weak point (I really was, I was rejected in not so many words by another man, I had broke up with the guy we are talking about and I, hate to say it, was needing affection.) So, one thing lead to another and I was back in his arms and I didn't want to leave.
Well, he did not change (did I expect him to?) but the thing was, I think I did. I was more open which allowed me to see or "feel" certain things. So I knew he was in one way or another cheating...and I'm sorry guys, but if you are sleeping with a woman you should NOT be sleeping with another one...and then keep both the women a secret from eachother. Because obviously you know there is a problem and it's not right. Even if you are not "official" if you are not telling the other partner you obviously have stronger feelings and/or you just freaking know it's not right. GOD DAMN ME. Do I blame him? Hell yes, he did it. But I blame myself for knowingly allowing myself to be involved in a relationship that would somehow turn out this way. I think the only saving grace for myself was the fact I found out, in the end, that I was right. It helped me get over him so much faster...the situation in itself, obviously I am not over...but the guy I am totally over.
But I'll digress.
So, my last post from Novemeber...Seriously, who are we kidding. I have unfortunately just surrounded myself with the wrong kind of guy. I need a guy that see's me, hears me, wants me (and that part is last.). I want a guy that can go out with me in public and not realize we are in a public setting because all he sees/hears is me. Of course this is selfish and this will never happen. And I would never really, really want a guy to forget about everything but me. But at least attempt to. Talk to whoever you want, be with whoever you wish, but in the end, know and realize and WANT to be with me. I know it's early...but I think I may have found it. If I didn't, so be it, whatever. But right now, I have never appreciated someone for appreciating me so much before. I have always been the one to do all the work and feel all the pain; but this time I already feel different about it. And I like finally being able to be in control.
So thank you. Thank you fate, thank you God, thank you who/what ever. I can not be happier if only because I know that I am not jaded and there is more out there than a few bad apples. It just takes time and the willingness to let go. And that's the main thing: to let go :)